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Romance Novel Love...It is Real? Isn't it?

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." Lao Tzu

When I was a kid, there was a short time I lived my granny, my granddaddy and one of my older cousins. I was particularly close to this cousin, because we spent years of our lives playing Barbie dolls and later years of our lives trying to write horrible romance novels together. You may be wondering why we chose romance novels, well, this is because in her library of books she read nothing except romance novels. She had hundreds all over her room and since this was the only thing in the house to read most of the time, I read them as well. This is where I began to learn what lust and love were according to fantasy rather than the typical way through watching Disney movies. My Disney loves at this point were Lion King and Beauty and the Beast (still are), I hated the others including The Little Mermaid (not anymore). 

At first I only read them because I was bored and nothing was on television. Then I began to read about women in distress who needed a man to save them so they could fall in love. For instance, a woman who sleeps naked (of course), has her house burn down. She pulls on a white t-shirt, which obviously still shows boob and maybe some pants then runs out the door. A manly, non-committal, but very sweet firefighter puts her house out or something. Somewhere he saves her or saves her house or something, it's all the same. Because she has no way to repay him, she becomes his house maid, has sex with him, because she has to do whatever he says (?) and then she realizes she loves him and he loves her. The End. 

Yes, this is a bad retelling of a bad story.

These are the three scenarios I have found common in today's world. 
  1. We want this idealized love so badly that we are unwilling to settle for anything else. 
  2. We decide this is never going to happen so we settle for the first thing that comes along. 
  3. We don't have this exactly, but we have someone we love and care about, but are we with this person because we are settling?
We have no idea what the hell we want anymore and no idea how to figure it out. Is it worse to feel as if you may be with the wrong person or when you feel the other person might feel they are with the wrong person? Can this romantic passion actually exist or is this something that just leads to complete failure with a few short weeks of amazing sex? Yes, I said the word sex. 

According to the Christian religion, people should wait before marriage to have sex. There are two theories for this idea...
  • No one is going to buy the cow when they can get the milk for free.
  • You need to test drive the milk before you decide this is the only milk you will have for the rest or your life.
I read an article that states women become close to men through orgasm. I am assuming this means you can have orgasm without love, but no love with out orgasm. Strange idea, but ultimately it seems to come down to intimacy. Do you have it or don't you.

Psychology states there are six types of love... ( I stole these from Wiki because I didn't want to buy the article. I did learn this from classes and scholarly articles).
  1. Eros – a passionate physical and emotional love based on aesthetic enjoyment; stereotype of romantic love
  2. Ludus – a love that is played as a game or sport; conquest; may have multiple partners at once
  3. Storge – an affectionate love that slowly develops from friendship, based on similarity (kindred to Philia)
  4. Pragma – love that is driven by the head, not the heart; undemonstrative
  5. Mania – obsessive love; experience great emotional highs and lows; very possessive and often jealous lovers
  6. Agape – selfless altruistic love; spiritual
There is also another theory I have recently read about, called the Attachment Process. This is the same process that identifies children and their adapting to their parents. 

Child and caregiver behaviour patterns before the age of 18 months[39][41]
SecureUses caregiver as a secure base for exploration. Protests caregiver's departure and seeks proximity and is comforted on return, returning to exploration. May be comforted by the stranger but shows clear preference for the caregiver.Responds appropriately, promptly and consistently to needs. Caregiver has successfully formed a secure parental attachment bond to the child.
AvoidantLittle affective sharing in play. Little or no distress on departure, little or no visible response to return, ignoring or turning away with no effort to maintain contact if picked up. Treats the stranger similarly to the caregiver. The child feels that there is no attachment; therefore, the child is rebellious and has a lower self-image and self-esteem.Little or no response to distressed child. Discourages crying and encourages independence.
Ambivalent/ResistantUnable to use caregiver as a secure base, seeking proximity before separation occurs. Distressed on separation with ambivalence, anger, reluctance to warm to caregiver and return to play on return. Preoccupied with caregiver's availability, seeking contact but resisting angrily when it is achieved. Not easily calmed by stranger. In this relationship, the child always feels anxious because the caregiver's availability is never consistent.Inconsistent between appropriate and neglectful responses. Generally will only respond after increased attachment behavior from the infant.
DisorganizedStereotypies on return such as freezing or rocking. Lack of coherent attachment strategy shown by contradictory, disoriented behaviours such as approaching but with the back turned.Frightened or frightening behaviour, intrusiveness, withdrawal, negativity, role confusion, affective communication errors and maltreatment. Very often associated with many forms of abuse 

This experiment stated love and loneliness as a biological response. Survival of the fittest could agree to this theory considering only those who can reproduce will continue the human race. Do these types of attachment that should be describing children and their parental attachments seem to fit the ways in which you approach a relationship? 


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