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My Kobayashi Maru.

Sometimes I like to bring my Facebook machine to Starbucks and do other things with it. Like surf the internet, take quizzes to feed in to my vanity and occasionally I even write. Well, I have been here for two hours and I have listened to a lot of music, watched the Starbucks girls create a clever system to line drinks up at the drive thru, and I've looked one too many times at Facebook. We don't have to talk about that right now considering it is the Facebook machine.

Once again, since it's between semesters I am trying to write. I have two projects happening at the same time. One is a complete re-write of a novel I have previously written and which I think could be done much better. The other is taking a story I wanted to write previously and adding a slightly autobiographical element. This means no one will probably ever read it because I don't want them guessing which parts are real and which are not.

Instead of writing any of these things though, I am facing a case of the computer screen stare. I am looking for inspiration in the world because I can't quite find words, mostly due to the inner anxiety that comes from being a sensitive over thinker. Yes, I am the sensitive type. I find this part of my nature a little disgusting though and I fight it as long as possible. It doesn't last long because I also have no self-control.

I have come to a conclusion(s) about myself.

I will never want any person that wants me back. It's exactly like the quote by Groucho Marx, "I don't want to belong to a club that will accept me as a member."

This not only belongs to the ideas of love, but to absolutely everything that I've ever accomplished.

If I receive a reward or a diploma, I suddenly think it's a waste of my time. If I never receive it though, I stew over it for days, possibly months. What the fuck do you mean I didn't get an award for whatever it is that I was doing? Why was I doing it if not to get an award? When I receive an award then I go, well, that was easy, everyone probably gets one.

Loving someone that loves me? Well, that's just to easy. Why would anyone want something so easy? Probably because they're normal.

I do love myself. I have a fascination with the way I look in the mirror as I brush my teeth. The amazing hairstyle I have and can push back or push forward. I think I'm good looking. I think I'm hilarious. I have these amazing witty one-liners. Guys don't like any of these things though. I like these things.

I'm not sure the problem is what I originally thought as I was writing this blog. It's not that I can't love anyone that loves me, it's that I'm too in love with myself for anyone to compete. What's a girl to do with that? Well, for now, I'll just continue to bother with crushes that don't like me back. Maybe I'll be the one girl to actually change them. Make them love me.

This is the impossible game (Kobayashi Maru), I know I can't win, so it gives me more time to focus on my obsession with myself. Unless I can figure out how to cheat like Kirk did.


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