When I was a child I had a strange fascination with cemeteries. This was a discovery I made when my mother was mourning the death of one of her beloved friends. I knew the person and I liked her, but I was young and I felt almost empty while my mother stood there weeping. Instead of standing there, I slowly backed away from my mother and walked around the graves below my feet. I would mentally calculate all of their ages and if I thought they died young I would feel sad for a moment and then move on. Then I walked upon a grave of young boy, he was wearing a tap outfit and had toys lining the cemetery. He was only 8 when he died, which was only a couple of years younger than I was when I found the grave since I was 10. It had been 3 years of his passing at this time, so he was supposed to be a year older than me at the time. This was when I felt fear and sadness. Not only for me and the inevitable, because this could have been me, but for him and his family. I sat down and I stared at the picture of the little boy. I wondered what he would look like if he was still alive. Probably not much different I think now, but at the time I didn't know. I couldn't help but notice how cute he was. For some reason that just made it all seem much worse. Only the ugly people were supposed to die right?
This was when I discovered my fear of death...along with most of the living population.
Everyone is influenced by death.
I do not merely mean that people influence thing such as religion to their ultimate demise, but they shape their lives accordingly to the ways in which they will meet their ultimate demise.
People shape their entire lives around death.
If you are religious you may live for the things of the next world such as heaven. Just being a living human, you may live accordingly to have no regrets on the final day.
My goal is to do every stupid thing I possibly can until the very end.
- Maybe I should become a daredevil and start jumping over barrels on a motorcycle. Something dangerous.
- Loving all the wrong people. It's quite simple. Quite damaging and the most dangerous thing I could possibly do.
- Love the people I don't even like because sometimes they need it the most. Also, because sometimes I just can't help it. Thin line with love and hate and all.
- Ignore the above things sometimes because it's also better to just let some people go. Ever so gently, but ever so clearly.
- Say all of the wrong things. This will result in saying more things that will inevitably lead to trying to correct the wrong things and won't fix anything, but I won't have to regret saying nothing. Actually, either way has bad results, just go with your gut on this one.
- Get a tattoo?
- I guess I should try being nice to people.
- Realize none of these things on this list are doing anything for my preparation towards death.
I am an anxiety filled individual though, so it's a complete lie to say I won't regret things almost daily. I will probably regret everything on the above list almost daily. Ultimately, regrets will not matter during that time, so what do I care if I live with them?
My one fear of dying...the being forgotten. Once I'm dead though it won't matter because I will either have other worries or won't have any way to fear.